why we can put so much into people and get something so completely different in return. I can’t sit here and say they give us nothing from all the effort we put forth cause here I am with almost two years of swimming emotions and a completely different outlook on life. They give us a lot even if it is only something to ponder about for a long time and it really hurts sometimes and you begin to feel like things aren’t ever really worth trying for and then sometimes you feel like you weren’t worth trying for and I know that things are different but I know how it feels.

I used to believe that everyone was good and now I believe that everyone has good inside of them and that’s two different things. Just like there’s the difference in being and having the capacity to be. Sometimes people are so good at manipulating that good inside of them to get what they want and you wish that it wasn’t a manipulation, you wish it were real. I wish it were real, why would anyone only want to be temporarily amazing? For a while these people we lend our hearts too are really amazing and different and exactly what we need, not to make our lives better but to add to our lives. Then one day you realize that they’re not and you feel lied too, but they don’t feel like they lied. It all gets complicated I guess and that’s where it hurts to continue thinking about.

People work on their own self interest, and I guess this is what I should have said earlier. One can work in their self interest and it be okay. Everyone is self involved, we enter into the relationships we’re in because they make us happy and they make us whole and only after this realization do we feel the desire to reciprocate that amongst those people. The pursuit of fulfilling self interests does present us with some choices although. We must choose how we shall obtain it and who or what shall be our tools and I feel that the second we decide that hurting these people is integral to our plan, is when self interest becomes selfishness.

I’m not trying to spruce up these words, I wish I were cause then maybe this would make more sense. I am just trying to write exactly what comes from my mind, so that maybe there is an ounce of unfiltered honesty and you can see what I really feel when I pause before speaking. Cause when you ask me how these people can do these things, all of a sudden I am confused again. I ask myself this questions so much, but the only thing I’ve ever learned from wondering about it was simply to let it go. I’ll never know why or how. I’ll never understand people who don’t understand their own actions, who couldn’t even lie to me to give me some peace of mind. When he looked me in the eye and told me “I don’t know,” I think my heart broke all over again because I knew that there was never to be an explanation.

All I can tell you that things are worth it, because I feel like what I went through in order to get to you was worth it. I feel like if God came to me and said that in order for me to obtain someone I loved as much as myself I would have to hurt more than I had in my life, I would do it all over again. Everything we do in this life is worth something, we just don’t know what it is yet and lots of the time it’s surprising but most of all it has worth.